Jessica Dreams..

Why does my boyfriend always go out of his way to talk to girls he thinks may be interested?

Unfaithful? I don’t know.

He loves me, he loves me not. I trust him, I trust him not.

So, the new interest is F, a friend of his little sister. We went to his sister’s party last week and F was there. I had a good start to the night, I had a laugh. He kept disappearing to say hi to family and friends and I was fine with that. I was being kept company by a friend. But when she left, I was on my own. So my boyfriend kept spending all his time with his work friends. He said he couldn’t leave them yet he didn’t think to ask me to join them. So after too many drinks I ignored him. He ignored me. Until the end of the night. When we went home, it escalated to a full blow argument in the streets but by the time I was asleep all was well again. We made up. Settled.

A few days later, he messaged F. Should your boyfriend do this, is his normal? Why would you just message someone like that out of the blue? It wasn’t like he knew her well; he knew her name and that was probably it. Apparently she fancied him a while ago but I don’t know if that still stood true. So yeah, she replied. She said I wasn’t happy during the party but who would be if you felt left out by your own boyfriend during the night but to be honest, I was pretty happy most of the night until near the end. Stupid cow, what’s it to her anyway? Why does she feel the need to say I wasn’t too happy?! It had nothing to do with her.

That’s my rant. It just pissed me off. Needed to get it out of my system.

I don’t know what goes on in C’s head. I’ve thought about us being forever and we’ve talked about it but with frequent things like this happening, I can’t see it being concrete. I’m just trying to keep my head up above things and not take us too seriously because my heart doesn’t need more pain than it’s already going through..

Just found out I'm going to Florida this June! I am so so excited. I didn't think we could afford it even for next year but C has suprised me with tickets and flight. I just can't wait. This has kind of given me solid proof that C is serious about us. After all of last year, this is probably all I need. I think I trust him, the fact that he would do this for me. It confirms he loves me the way he says he does. Don't take me wrong, I'm not materialistic. It's not the fact that he's spent so much money to take me. It's the fact that he has saved this money for so long for us. It's the fact that he has been thinking about us and can see a future with me and him or else he wouldn't do this. I can't really put it into words but at the moment, I'm feeling very lucky.

It's been weird being back at home seeing C once a week.. But it really makes a difference. He seemed to have missed me so much when I saw him yesterday. He couldn't keep his eyes off me, he couldn't keep his kisses to himself, I was smoothered by them and it was such a lovely feeling knowing he missed me so much. It makes me feel appreciated, wanted.

Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. I really wanted the job but now I'm not so sure. It seems they're not what I'm looking for and I'm not what they're looking for. But we will see when they get in touch next week..

I spent the day with my best friend, V. I miss her so much when I'm away. I miss someone knowing about me thoroughly although I think she has changed and so have I. Still, catching up with an old friend is nice and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts made the day even better. I went searching for the Perfect Dress but seems like I'm too picky. Oh well I have until May still..

And work has still not been done.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder.."

Day 7 of the Easter Holidays and I still haven't got myself in gear. Work is the top of my agenda yet when it comes down to it, watching my favourite series seem to be more important. And it's not.

"Don't wait for tomorrow because you will never get today back."

Today, I didn't lie to my dad. I told my day that I was going out with C. Suprisingly, he took it well. I just felt exhausted lying to my parents all the time, I'm almost 20. They should know I am old enough to think for myself. And I am relieved I told them. I need to learn to grow up, it's my life and they need to learn to let me grow up.

So we went Cheshire Oaks and I had such a good time. I was happy, truely happy. My smiles were genuine and I didn't want the day to end. It felt like how it use to be. Before all the cheating, the lying, the arguments. When I'm with him, I forget all the bad things between us. It's just when I reflect on my own does it hurt. It's painful carrying the burden around but he does make me extremely happy. Is this worth it? I hope it is as it has been a year since I committed what I regret in my whole life. At the time, it seemed fun and exciting and different but looking back I am selfish causing so much pain for the both of us. I wish I could turn back time but mistakes were made and I am truely repentant. What a coinscidence it being Good Friday . Easter being about new lives, new start. I wish we truely start afresh..

"Love is the most sweetest form of affection and the most cruelest form of torture.."

awake again. I can't win!

"I'm the author of my life.
Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes."

It is rather late and I should be asleep but there are so many thoughts drifting in and out of my head that I am disturbed by. Normally I'm one of those people who fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow but since the last few days I've moved back home, sleeping seems to be somewhat of a chore.

While watching Gossip Girl, which I really recommend having only seen the first episode, my eyes were getting heavy. As they are now, annoyingly enough. However I know for a fact as soon as the laptop goes off, I'll be happily awake again just lying there thinking..

Thought running in and out of my mind are both important and unimportant. I'm thinking what my new room looks like. I can't remember it at all, just my room mates telling me it has a red wall which I am dreading. I am really hoping my room to be isn't a particular room I can picture in my head though but I have a strange feeling it may be however I can't recall a red wall.. Oh well, we'll have to wait and see when I move in. I just wish I was not so rash at times, swapping my room with a fellow housemate so fast without thinking about it.. I think I may have got the shrt end of the straw there but nevermind. I'll deal with it when it comes to it.

Another thing troubling me is an interview due to take place next week. I get ever so nervous during an interview and have not much confidence. I freeze easily and find answering the asked question very difficult. This means I normally don't get the job. The aptitude test is also worringing me slighly having done a few practice ones and boy are they hard. And the time limit also is another factor. I want this job, I really do but transportation from my newly signed house may be a problem. Oh why is growing up so hard. Why couldn't this job interview have been a few weeks earlier? I gave up on looking for a job and signed for a house and the exact job I really wanted at a good location now may be an opportunity. I guess I'll have to wait and see again.

This is what it always is, waiting and seeing but I can't plan my life around just waiting around. I need to get active but I wish I was more motivated. I need to sort my own life out.

Being at home always makes me think about irrational things and things deep inside my mind. Like a certain girl, S. Being nosey in her life is not a good thing for me. It brings back really bad memories with my beloved C. I still don't know how I feel about that situation. It's been 6 months now and it's passed but deep in my heart, I don't know if I can forgive him. I love him, yes. That is without a doubt. But it makes me think, will I ever marry him having had him betray me like that. A fling is a fling but opening your heart and declaring your heart to someone is another matter. I've kind of given up rationalising. I'm just being happy at the moment because I am and taking it in my stride although I really need to stop getting into his profile. I want to trust him so bad but one the trust is lost, it's hard to re-gain. Ok, I know he no longer speaks to S, but R.. I dunno. I hate her though. I don't know the girl but it's just that feeling. And things with him. I don't want to think this anymore because he has kept his promise. As far as I know anyway.

I need to get some uni work done. Fast. I really want to do well in the summer. I am under achieving and that is my fault. I'm slacking but the temptation of going out always wins. I need to knuckle down.

The rain isn't as noisey now and less scary so I'll try and sleep. Also that my eyes are hurting forcing them to stay open. However it is unevitable that once I try to sleep, I'll be